Sometimes Thinking
by Rowen Hashiba Of Tenku Co
Summary: One pilot writes a note, and then something happens... Song-fic.


Sometimes Thinking  
By Alex Tirragen  
  
A/N: My really depressing R-rated Gundam Wing fic. Here's the warning: severe tear-jerker, HeeroxRelena story, and a completely unexpected ending. Please R&R. I'd give this an angst-drama type of category, but it is essentially a tear-jerker I wrote after reading some really depressing suicide-GW fics and playing through the entirety of Metal Gear Solid 2 Sons Of Liberty TWICE. Please don't steal the song, "Remember and Believe" because it belongs to me. Thank you.  
  
  
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I feel like completing a mystery  
To find the meaning of life and then maybe  
I'll find myself my life my soul  
Then I'll have a story which to be told.  
----------  
  
I'm so lonely and I don't know why. I seem so lucky on the outside. I've got friends, good grades, everything, yet often I contemplate suicide.  
Listening to U2 and working on math, "pay attention" the teacher says, and I pretend.  
All my life is all pretend. I have some friends, all very close. I'm not popular, but it's enough.  
Sometimes I think of what life would be if it were different, maybe him, not me.  
Perhaps I would be happy, maybe not, but at least then life would be worth a shot.  
You see the television and on the screen is more violence, more death, and people trying to tell you it'll be okay. It's not real.  
Is anything real, or is it all fake? Illusions are good, but it's not forever and it's not that great. Would you rather be miserable with the truth or happy with illusions? Second option, please.  
I don't want to die. I don't.  
Sometimes you have to search yourself for the truth.  
  
----------  
He finishes writing and puts down the pen  
How can you say how you really feel?  
Is it all a facade or is this real?  
There's terror in darkness and peace in illusion  
But nothing is real  
Believe me.  
----------  
  
We are the children of the new millenium. Too young to understand and too old to really care if we're kept in this misunderstanding of epic proportions.  
The truth is so misleading, so wrong and yet so right, so how can I complain?  
Rich people have so much power, that the poor people can't find money to get out of being poor. Well, there's your truth. Happy?  
Strangely, I didn't think so.  
Maybe I'm obsessing over the bad things. I can't help it. I'm a pessimist by nature. Just ask Duo, he'll vouch for me.  
I know all of these things, and I can't do a damn thing about it. And I can't kill myself, either.  
Maybe at one point I tried to. That was two years ago.  
But now I'm more... human. That's the only word for it.  
And now I found something else out.  
I'm afraid to die.  
  
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Escape running through streets  
Unnoticed because they don't care.  
Is this all wrong  
Or is it right?  
Trust me,  
Believe me,  
You must.  
----------  
  
The fire burns within us to rebel and take back peace, to bring real true peace upon this war-torn planet.  
If love ever finds me it won't be soon. I'm afraid to love, afraid of the rejection.  
Can I love you? No, never you. Anyone but you.  
That would be wrong.  
You and I are so different, so far apart, it wouldn't be right, wouldn't feel real.  
I don't belong in your heart, and I don't deserve the love you give me.  
Do I deserve love?  
  
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Do you love me hate me whatever  
Or is there nowhere in your heart  
For lost soldiers  
Wanting love?  
Whirlwind emotions take me to the sky  
Make me care.  
----------  
  
So I write you this final note, to let you know what I have felt, and the love I feel.  
I know that nothing between us can ever be, and it kills me more than any gun. I am torn.  
Perhaps I never did take the time to listen, to be alone in a room with just you and I, but I cannot tell you how much it would have hurt me to do so.  
This is the last anyone shall hear of me, except the papers. They always publish suicides.  
I know that you will be saddened to hear of my death, moreso to receive this note, but it was necessary.  
Please understand, I could never love you. I know someone who could, and he always is standing before you, but he won't say it, because he believes that we are in love. He doesn't want to spoil it for us.  
You know who he is. Take him, not me.  
Just leave me to rest in peace.  
  
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Believe in me  
Trust in me  
Let me live  
We are the new generation  
We are the future  
So come with me  
Come on  
Sometimes thinking  
Always doing  
We are right  
We are the only.  
----------  
  
He signed his name and put back the pen.  
Slowly he stood, posting the note on the doorway to her bedroom, where she would find it in the morning when she woke up.  
Relena... he thought, stay happy. For me.  
He glanced at his watch. Two thirty-two in the morning. Good time.  
  
----------  
We are the future  
We are our own selves  
If only for a time  
And then we are all gone  
Again.  
Trust me  
This is truth..  
----------  
  
Reaching out her pale hand, she took the note from her door and read it.  
No! she thought desperately in her mind, it can't be!  
Tears and sobs escaped her, and she crumpled onto her knees on the reddish-pink carpet, the note still clutched in her hand.  
  
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We may be the future  
And they may be the past  
We need to stop concealing  
We need to find the truth.  
----------  
  
He looked directly forward, blinking quickly to keep back unfamiliar tears.  
  
----------  
We are the future.  
----------  
  
The brown-haired boy looked in shock at the note Relena had given to him.  
"No way, he wouldn't!" He exclaimed in shock.  
  
----------  
Believe in me  
Remember me.  
----------  
  
Reaching out, he pressed the red button marked 'self-destruct'.  
"Goodbye, Relena... I love you.."  
  
---------  
I will leave this world and then what  
Rest in peace  
Remember me  
Don't let this obstruct you  
Live on  
For me  
And believe.  
---------  
  
An explosion went off deep in the forests on the outskirts of the Sanc kingdom in Europe.  
  
---------  
Remember me  
And believe.  
---------  
  
Relena looked numbly at her hands.  
"I will remember you, Heero.. Always."  
  
---------  
Live on  
For me  
And believe.  
--------- 


End file.
